16/10/1985 - The Box

I sat at the kitchen table and eyed up the box suspiciously. It looked worryingly like a plain, ordinary box of the cardboard variety. Yet it couldn't possibly be.

The events of the previous night were rolling around and around in my head in a perpetual loop. It was a bit like having a zoetrope for a brain. Image after image, memory after memory, and all beginning and ending with that debonair robot. Humph, as I had decided to call him, after his matinée-idol look-a-like.

And the spaceship. I'd been in a real spaceship. And not one made by NASA. True, we hadn't actually gone anywhere in it, I hadn't for instance been into space, but still... a spaceship! And it was really clever too - smart stuff indeed. Its propulsion system was based on a quirk of quantum physics, meaning it could travel faster than light and was to all intents and purposes capable of materialising out of thin air anywhere it wanted (including around objects), and it was invisible, or at least it was while I was in it. It wasn't very big though - just one pilot's chair at a holographic console by the front window and a larger area at the back with a table and a couple of chairs. It wasn't even nicely decorated, just functional and solid. But still... a spaceship!

Humph had started to outline the task ahead of me. It was simple, he said, I'd have no trouble completing it. He then talked at me for four hours solid, employing in his presentation holographic projections, sound recordings, maps, statistics, intelligence data and a quick overview of Galactic history.

Then he gave me the box.

The box that was sitting before me.

I decided that I needed some courage before continuing, so I stood up from the kitchen table and made a nice cup of Darjeeling. I sat back down and relaxed. It was time to open it. Time to begin the mission.

I distinctly remember the feel of the tape as I ripped it from the lid of the box. It was very much like ordinary tape but somehow better. It didn't crinkle or stick to itself. In fact it was as fresh after I'd removed it as a brand new piece right off the roll. I proved this to myself by sealing the box back up again. And then ripping the tape off a second time. And sealing it back up.

As much fun as this may have been, even I tired of it eventually. I ripped the tape off for the last time (popping it to one side because it was bound to come in useful later) and opened the flaps. I sipped at my tea a couple of times then began to unload the contents.

The box was rammed. It was scarcely believable that all this stuff could have been crammed into its modest dimensions, but then again I suppose a futuristic robot from another planet would be a very able packer.

Spread out, and with the box now on the floor, the contents just about covered the entire table. A handy inventory detailed everything for me and I spent some time familiarising myself with the items:

1x artificial map pre-loaded with 1:100,000, 1:50,000 and 1:25,000 scale projections plus detailed blueprints and schematics of the target

1x roll of reusable sticky tape (I whooped when I realised this)

1x camouflage jumpsuit and hood (which was a fetching shade of black)

1x universal lock stick - this looked pretty much like a lollipop stick but apparently could open any mechanical lock. It didn't look like it could open a thing to me, so I tossed it to one side and moved onto the next item.

500x emergency rations - these were in the form of tic tacs, but apparently each one contained a whole day's worth of goodness. Only 2000 calories in each one then...

1x bottomless purse - I picked this up (pleased with its gothic black and silver livery) and peered into it. Disappointingly it clearly had a bottom. I put the 1x universal lock stick into it. Nothing much happened. I tried to put the 500x emergency rations in there but they wouldn't fit. I took the stick out and studied the purse. What did it mean? I must have missed something. I turned it over and over, peered inside, even turned it inside out, but discovered nothing. Figuring I'd probably suss it out later when I had less on my mind I snapped it closed and went to place it back on the table. It was funny, now it was closed it felt a lot heavier. Curious, I opened it up and nearly fell off my chair in shock. There, displaying every sign of having always been there, were 5x one of every coin and note denomination in the UK. Five pennies, five ten pence pieces, five of the new pound coins (nice to see they were up to date), five five pound notes and so on. I emptied them all onto the table and shut the purse. Again it got heavier. Again it had spontaneously filled itself up. This was even better than the sticky tape! I amused myself for a while creating a huge pile of cash on the kitchen floor but soon grew bored of that and returned to the inventory.

1x quantum transceiver (disguised) - ah yes, now this I'd noticed almost immediately. It claimed, according to the inventory, to be a super-high-tech communications device with which I could get in touch with my new employers. It looked, however, just like a 12" tall stuffed Uncle Bulgaria. Which wasn't really my kind of thing to be honest. But hey, the Wombles weren't so bad really. I decided to leave that one a while before trying it.

1x laser rifle - this fearsome-looking weapon sat next to Uncle Bulgaria looking thoroughly menacing. I was, frankly, terrified of touching it. The inventory had some text that said 'press here for info' which at the time I thought a little odd for a printed sheet of paper. I tried jabbing it and was shocked to see the inventory text melt into a shapeless blob and then reform itself into an instruction manual for the gun complete with diagrams. Amazed, I pressed where it now said 'return' and the inventory returned. I decided I'd read the instructions later on - there was plenty enough to be getting on with without having to worry about accidentally destroying the entire building.

1x personal tunneler - I tumbled this over and over. It was a bejewelled golden pentagram that had a very fancy red gemstone set into the centre. It had an intricate network of asymmetric gaps and holes in the metal that gave it an almost fragile quality, yet it felt extremely strong and sturdy. It too came with a set of instructions that could materialise upon request. I scanned through the information quickly - there was a huge amount, most of which was concerned with health and safety - apparently even Galactic rulers weren't entirely free from bureaucracy and red tape. Anyway, it turned out that this swishy-looking trinket gave me the ability to walk through walls. The documentation went into lots of depth about quantum tunneling and other related aspects of higher physics but I won't bore you with all that gobbledegook. All I will say is that it was both the most amazing device I ever came across and also the most terrifying. I began to understand why there was so much safety advice - imagine screwing something up and getting stuck forever mid-way through a wall or, heaven forbid, another person. Not a nice thought. I decided it was probably a good idea to go back through the documentation and thoroughly memorise the details. When I'd finished it, about twenty minutes later, I felt pretty confident that I could use it safely. Although maybe not just yet...

1x detailed mission files - these were long, complex, boring, fascinating and again somehow crammed onto one single sheet of interactive paper. I spent a while glancing through them, occasionally raising an eyebrow in surprise, but mostly not paying that much attention to the details. I could always come back to them later. Plus Humph had already taken me through much of it anyway. There wasn't much to worry about there, I felt.

And that completed the inventory.

Although there was one final instruction: "Do NOT dispose of the box. It is a crucial part of your mission." I couldn't quite see how, but frankly, it was the least of my concerns at that point in time.

And I nipped off to try walking through walls.