Lecture excerpt: On the subject of radio shows
“Science-based radio shows are, in many ways, one of the great problems facing modern science. They try to dress up intractably complicated theories and discoveries in a suit of interest, a tie of excitement and a hat of comprehension, and somehow invariably create the impression that it’s all just boring jargon and pointless maths and open only to mega-intelligent boffins with an endless concentration span.
“Which is simply not true.
“In a way, these programmes are one of the many ways in which potential proto-scientists are deterred from aspiring to become professional scientists. Which is a great, great tragedy for us all. I feel they could do so much more, be so much more entertaining, so much more informative. Unfortunately, I am unable to work out how. So I am opening this up to the floor - today’s breakout session will be on the subject of ‘Scientific radio broadcasts and how they may be made more relevant and entertaining.’ Each group has been given some cardboard tubes, felt tip pens, velcro and crêpe paper to assist you. I want you all back here in one hour to present your findings.”
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Dr. Richter was driving home after a hard (i.e. very, very easy) day at the university. He was in a particularly good mood, despite the driving rain and howling wind, because he had managed to get Frank thrown off the course for being very annoying.
Every night, on his way home, he listened to a regular programme on the radio called ‘Science on the Waves’. It was all very commercial and targeted very much towards the lay person, but he enjoyed it. It was an opportunity to dabble in exotic science without having to actually do any work, much like an author reading a book, or a musician going to a live concert.
He particularly liked it when it was raining outside. It seemed to create the perfect atmosphere for a radio science show. To him, it brought back the mystery and intrigue that he used to find so exciting about science and technology when he was young. Perhaps some of that magic had evaporated as he grew older, but nevertheless he still religiously listened to the latest news, and occasionally learnt things from it as well.
‘Hi. My name’s Maxine Plank,’ said the female presenter.
‘And I’m William Highson-Buerk,’ said the second presenter.
Stupid names, thought Dr. Richter.
‘Tonight,’ said Maxine, ‘we will be discussing a new high-resolution quantum microscope, reports of industrial espionage at the Science and Technology Facilities Council and the increasingly confusing state of the national science budget.’
‘First, though,’ continued William, ‘we will be reporting on a completely original new mathematical theory that has been developed by a small team at the University of Birmingham.’
Dr. Richter looked down at his radio. He hadn’t heard of anything new happening at the university. He was intrigued. He stretched his finger out and pulled a little lever at the side of the steering wheel. The volume went up obligingly.
‘Yes,’ said Maxine, ‘the new theory has been put together by an obscure astrophysics lecturer, Dr. Tobias Richter, and his undergraduate student Eradani.’
His arms froze solid. No, surely not. Surely, surely not? They couldn’t possibly have...
Could they?
Realising he was swerving across the road, he pulled over to the side and stopped, so he could get a good listen.
‘Cofomaristics, as the theory calls itself,’ said William, infuriatingly taking over the microphone from Maxine, ‘appears to be a brave attempt to introduce a much-needed dash of anarchy and tomfoolery into the rigidly serious world of mathematics and science.
‘The fundamental basis of Cofomaristics is the proposition that numbers are indeterminate. This means that the number ten isn’t necessarily one more than nine and one less than eleven, but that that is just one possible value. A formula derived by Dr. Richter extends our previously limited version of number to a new dimension by suggesting that there is a representational system called ‘Cofome Space’ in which all numbers can be represented by a wave function. The point where this wave crosses an axis called ‘Real Space’ determines the value of a number. But, because the wave is repetitive, any single number can in fact have infinitely many different values. These values can be calculated precisely by using the Cofome Formula that is derived within the paper.
‘So, what are the practical applications of this? Well, it depends what you want to do, because you can do anything with it. By its very nature, the scope of Cofomaristics is literally boundless. To give an example, it can be shown that the speed of light has not just one value, but infinitely many values, the most useful of which turns out to be minus four and a half miles per hour, which of course would make trips to the stars a real possibility in the near future.
‘The theory then goes even further, proceeding to disprove all current mathematical thinking, show that time and money have no meaning and finally claim that our whole society is based on a very big mistake made by the ancient Greeks all those thousands of years ago.
‘Before you write in and complain, let me just state that this is almost certainly a hoax, presumably targeted at school pupils and university students who will enjoy playing with it and upsetting their maths tutors. To be honest, we’ve had quite a bit of fun with it ourselves, proving to our employers that we should actually be earning two hundred and seventy billion pounds a year. But they then retaliated by claiming that we should be working five-year-a-week shifts.’
Dr. Richter stared blankly at the rhythmic motion of the wipers as they squeaked their way across the windscreen. Fun? This was anything but fun. How had the press gotten their hands on Cofomaristics? And why was he erroneously identified as the author? It was obvious what the media would make of it, what they’d say about him. He could only assume it was some sort of set-up: only someone determined to ruin him would have done such a thing. But who? And why? He was a popular lecturer (he thought), easily one of the most liked. The university would not benefit by losing him.
Briefly, he wondered if it had been Eradani, but he quickly dismissed that possibility. He had explained to her why the results should remain confidential, and she was intelligent, she would have understood.
So who else knew?
Nobody, as far as he was aware.
Except for the guys at Computer Science. They were the ones who had developed it in the first place. Maybe this was all some kind of practical joke on their part.
Not funny, he thought. Not funny at all.
‘And now,’ continued the mind-numbingly irritating presenter, whom Dr. Richter was now thoroughly cheesed off with, ‘onto our next, somewhat more sensible, feature. Has the Higgs boson really been detected by an amateur experimentalist in his garden shed?’
He flicked the radio off, and drove away angrily, skidding his wheels purposely.