Darkness fell unexpectedly quickly in the deep foliage of Gillmar, forcing Sepwise to call an end to the day’s adventuring and set up camp in a small clearing.
As far as the actual adventuring went, everybody was a bit disappointed. There had been no monsters, no evil queens, no powerful sorcerers and not a single fair maiden. The only vaguely interesting find of the day had been the stone with the mysterious warning on it, and that was beginning to look like an empty threat anyway. Not exactly a great adventure to rival that of Justin and the Hairdonauts.
‘I don’t think this place is all I had hoped it to be,’ said Sepwise as he nibbled at a freshly roasted rabbit that Trussuk had caught, despite Andrew’s protests that it would disrupt the finely tuned ecosystem of the forest. ‘There’s not exactly much here, is there?’
‘Au contraire, mon amis,’ said Jeudd in a strange foreign tongue that nobody else could understand. ‘It has stimulated me; inspired me to write three incomparable poems that redefine beauty and form. To an artist such as myself, this island is a utopia that exists beyond reality, beyond perception itself.’
‘Yes, I’m sure it is,’ said the scientist uncertainly, ‘but where are all the pretty girls wearing very thin, very ragged dresses and in need of rescuing, eh?’
‘Yeah, where are they?’ said Trussuk, supporting Sepwise. ‘That’s why we came here.’
‘Is it?’ said Andrew. ‘I thought we came to study the stages of vegetative colonisation in the hydrosere.’
‘What? Of course we didn’t,’ said an exasperated Sepwise. ‘Look, I made it perfectly clear in the advert.’
‘He did,’ confirmed Trussuk.
Armoro looked up from the dancing flames of the campfire that splashed amber garlands onto his pensive features. ‘Does anyone want to know why I came here?’ he said.
The others looked at each other.
‘Yes.’
‘I guess so.’
‘I suppose.’
Armoro prodded a stick into the fire. A shower of sparks flew into his face which rather destroyed the air of tension he was aiming to build up. He perservered nonetheless.
‘Somebody,’ he said, looking up seriously, ‘has to keep an eye on you lot.’
‘Why?’ asked Sepwise.
Armoro smiled knowingly. ‘Ah, now, that would be telling.’
Sepwise rolled his eyes. ‘Right, well if you’re going to be like that, then I’m going to bed. Goodnight.’
<=> <=> <=>
Trussuk quickly assessed the team’s combat readiness. As expected, the others were all fast asleep under their sheets. Damn. He lay back and listened intently, hoping he’d been dreaming and that he hadn’t heard something making its way through the forest towards them.
The campfire had died down to a feeble glow as the embers spent the last of their heat trying to warm the air around them. As usual, every sound in the forest seemed amplified. He could hear strange rustling sounds, eerie whistlings, creaks and cracks and twigs breaking. There were night birds singing; fireflies buzzing and glowing in the trees. A small mammal scuttled past on the other side of the campsite, making a huge racket. Something very big stepped on a fallen branch and snapped it in two.
Trussuk bolted upright, fully awake. His heart was pounding, the adrenaline was flowing, his senses sharpened. Straining his hearing he listened; without doubt something was edging its way towards them in the trees. Something very large. Moving very cautiously.
He thought about this for a moment. Should he be worried? Nah, he decided, it was probably nothing. It may be a giraffe or a large hedgehog or some other big, harmless animal going for a gentle stroll through the forest.
Snap!
Crunch!
Thud!
Then again, it might not be.
Deciding that he had no alternative other than to go and find out, the experienced warrior carefully stood up. He tried not to make any noise - but he failed pretty poorly on that count when his armoured tunic clanged against the arsenal of weaponry that lay beside his bed. After going through the inexplicable ritual of shushing to the offending objects, he peered earnestly into the trees where he thought the noise had originated. He could barely even make out the outline of the clearing, let alone see into the forest. The moons were at their dimmest that night; the forest was dark, dark, dark and dark.
This does not bode well, he thought. Entering the forest could be pure suicide. He wouldn’t stand a chance in this light if a big ferocious night-dwelling animal attacked him. Perhaps he should just lie down and wait for it to go away.
SNAP! Another branch broke, followed quickly by another. Whatever it was, it was heading his way. There really was no choice but to go and have a look. He couldn’t stay where he was and let everybody get mauled when the whatever-it-was rushed out at them from the deep black night. He had to penetrate the dark veil in front of him, and he had to do it now.
With extreme caution, he took a delicate step forward, then froze for fully three minutes, not daring to make another movement in case he was heard. He looked at the dim outline of the forest boundary. At this rate, it would take him longer than a blind, one-legged sloth in a sack to get there. So he took another small step. Then another. Then it dawned on him that he was standing in the middle of an open clearing with absolutely no cover whatsoever and in a state of panic sprinted to the trees as fast as he could. When he got to the edge of the clearing, he hesitated. He was now too scared to go back to the clearing, and too scared to enter the trees.
So he waited.
And he waited some more.
Then nothing happened.
Eventually he relaxed. He hadn’t heard a thing since he’d arrived at the edge of the trees. Whatever was in there had surely gone by now. A normal predatory forest creature hasn’t got the sense to wait around for the ideal moment, it just lunges straight out at whatever prey happens its way. Even the big rabbits don’t set up cunning traps and then wait for something to stumble into them - they just wander around looking for supper. And thus Trussuk convinced himself that there was nothing in the forest to fear.
Squaring himself up, he strutted boldly forwards.
And was more than a touch alarmed when he walked straight into the huge, red, demonic creature with horns and claws and wings and a smoking nose and armour-plated skin standing right in front of him.
For a second or two, he stood there staring at it in disbelief, his mouth as open as a golf tournament.
The creature, initiating proceedings, bent its huge head downwards in greeting. It grunted, and a little flame curled up from its nostrils. ‘Hello,’ it said. ‘Would you like to join the Church of the Final Hour of Safariz?’
There was a short pause during which it offered Trussuk a pamphlet, then Trussuk let out a deafening scream and ran for all his life back to the camp.
<=> <=> <=>
Sepwise quietly nudged the heavy wooden door open, so as not to make a sound. He quickly slipped into the room and shut the door gently behind him. He turned and looked towards the ornate four poster bed on the other side of the room. Flowing curtains of soft, semi-transparent pink satin fell in waves from the roof of the bed, its occupant almost completely obscured from view. But Sepwise knew who lay there. He’d dreamed of this moment for years.
Carefully, he shuffled his way across the polished wooden floor, desperate not to wake up anyone else in the house. He reached out his arm and brushed aside the pink drapes. There, peacefully asleep under white silk sheets, was the most beautiful girl in the whole world: Rowena of Nothena. He brushed his hand gently through her long, silky brown hair and waited with baited breath as she emerged from her sleep.
‘Wha... what’s happening?’ she said blearily as she woke up. She turned her head and saw Sepwise smiling at her. She inhaled sharply.
‘Shh. It’s OK. It’s only me,’ he said reassuringly, gazing deep into her gorgeous emerald-green eyes. ‘We’ve got to be quiet, or we’ll wake your parents up.’
‘But how did you get in here?’ she asked. ‘How did you get past the guards?’
‘Hey, I’m a scientist, aren’t I? I can do anything.’
‘Oh, Sepwise,’ she sighed. ‘You’re so wonderful.’
‘Oh, I don’t know...’ he said bashfully.
‘Yes you are. You’re the most romantic man in the whole world. I love you so much.’
Sepwise felt his heart flutter for a moment. ‘You do?’ he asked.
Rowena didn’t reply. She just slipped quietly out of her nightdress and threw the sheets off the bed. Sepwise’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. ‘That’s quite nice,’ he mumbled.
‘Do you know what I can do?’ she said seductively.
‘Can you walk on your hands while balancing two Eskimos on your feet?’ he guessed.
‘No,’ she said. ‘Sepwise, just shut up and get into bed with me.’ Sepwise happily jumped into the bed, grabbed the sheets off the floor and snuggled down for the night with Rowena of Nothena. Then Trussuk came and woke him up.
<=> <=> <=>
‘What do you want, Trussuk?’ he snapped. ‘I was asleep.’
‘There’s a monster in the forest.’
‘Get lost,’ said the scientist, rolling over and pulling his sheet up to his chin. He pulled his legs up to his body to try and get comfortable. No good, so he stretched them out again. No, that was too cold. The comfort factor had well and truly gone. ‘Yes, thanks a lot, Trussuk,’ he moaned. ‘I can’t get back to sleep now. Why did you wake me up anyway? I was right in the middle of a nice dream.’
Trussuk looked surprised. ‘You were screaming,’ he pointed out.
‘Well, yes, but I was screaming in pleasure.’
‘Oh, well you could have fooled me. Anyway, I came to tell you there’s a huge red... beast of hell in the trees behind me. If I were an ordinary mortal, I would have been struck down with fear, but because I am a valiant warrior I remained calm and made my way back here.’
‘You mean you ran away?’
‘No, no I didn’t. It was just a temporary retreat.’
‘So,’ said Sepwise curiously, ‘what is your suggested course of action?’
‘I thought we might make an early start to the day’s journey or something. It’s quite late in the morning, really, and there’s lots to discover yet.’
‘So you don’t want to fight the monster then?’
‘Well, yes, in an ideal world, of course, but ideals are hard to find, aren’t they? I mean, we haven’t got time to go off and enjoy ourselves when we’re supposed to be working, have we?’
Sepwise sat upright. He looked into the trees behind Trussuk but could see nothing out of the ordinary, despite the first traces of the breaking dawn gently revealing their outline. ‘Are you serious about this monster?’
‘Yes. It spoke to me.’
‘What did it say?’
‘It wanted me to join some sort of religion, I think. It had a pamphlet.’
‘My God!’ exclaimed Sepwise, jumping to his feet. ‘Those are the worst sort! I have read of them many times. They are ferocious, unrelenting and possessed of extreme cunning. We must fight it.’
‘Must we?’ asked Trussuk looking decidedly worried. ‘Surely there are better ways of resolving situations than resorting to violence.’
His words went unheeded, though. Sepwise was already running off, shouting at the others to wake up and get ready for battle. And get ready they did. Jeudd instantly flew out of his sleep like a salmon leaping through the torrents and grabbed a hefty, finely crafted sword that he’d kept hidden until then; Armoro eased himself up more reservedly and pulled on a mysterious, black cloak; Sepwise donned his pouch of ingredients and did a few warmup exercises; and Andrew looked confused. Resigning himself to his fate, Trussuk grabbed a sword, an axe and a crossbow from his personal armory and readied himself for the task ahead.
‘Men,’ spoke Sepwise, ‘we face our toughest test. We must battle with a ferocious, intelligent and above all evil creature in the dark, dank depths of the forest. Guile, bravery and selflessness will be our allies. Do not mistake this for some petty scuffle; for this is battle, this is war. A war to free this island from the menace of a creature so foul it could only have been hewn in the hellish inferno of a volcano itself. We fight to the death for honour and for valour and for all that is right. We fight not as five, but as one! Let us initiate the hostilities!’
Bravely, the five adventurers made their way into the forest, following Trussuk’s directions. On the way, Andrew bent down and picked something up. ‘Not now,’ hissed Armoro, amazed that even in a time such as this the geographer wouldn’t stop examining the ground.
‘Be alert, men,’ ordered Sepwise as they hit the edge of the trees. ‘It’s in here somewhere.’
<=> <=> <=>
The beast faced the five.
The five faced the beast.
The beast and the five faced each other.
Sepwise gave the command.
The five attacked the beast.
The beast attacked the five.
The five and the beast attacked each other.
<=> <=> <=>
Fire seared through the air; edged weapons struck almost ineffectually against tough, scaly reptilian hide; razor-sharp claws hacked incessantly away at short, squashy pink creatures; powerful science was aimed with pinpoint accuracy at fifteen sheer feet of red; tree-trunk legs crushed anything that happened to be underneath.
And the fight was underway.
It was, initially, an evenly matched struggle. The five (or the four - Andrew was bravely watching the others from a distance, biting his nails as he watched them duck and dodge the creature’s swipes) were able to match the monster’s arsenal of tremendous strength, razor-like claws and fiery breath with an onslaught consisting of heavy weaponry, the magic powers of Armoro’s cloak (which it turned out could render him invisible) and Sepwise’s bewildering array of explosive vials.
Trussuk ducked awkwardly as a claw sharper than a rabbit’s tooth flayed across his face. It unbalanced him and he toppled back onto the grass, the axe slipping from his grasp. Sepwise darted across quickly to cover the warrior while he righted himself. Three vials of acid left barely a mark on the tough hide of the creature.
‘Aim for the weak spots,’ ordered Jeudd. ‘Between the plates of armour.’
Trussuk nodded and darted forwards while Armoro distracted the beast’s attention. He hefted his axe and swung, using his momentum as much as his muscle to power the weapon. The blade sank satisfyingly into the creature’s leg, exploiting the weakness between a plate on the upper thigh and one protecting the knee. Without pausing, the warrior spun to his right, freeing the axe and setting himself up for the sprint to safety.
The creature roared in pain and anger, and turned awkwardly to follow Trussuk’s run.
But Trussuk wasn’t fast enough, and the huge fist of the creature lashed out and caught the warrior a mighty blow, launching him off the ground and into the solid trunk of a nearby tree.
Jeudd reacted instantly. Sword held aloft, he hurtled towards the disoriented enemy. Armoro, again seizing the opportunity, hefted his hood and bemused the injured animal. Jeudd now had a free run, and planted his weapon deep in the creature’s oversize foot.
The scream could be heard over the entire island.
Trussuk, not badly injured, dragged himself to his feet and prepared to rejoin the battle.
From his vantage point behind a large tree some twenty metres from the skirmish, Andrew could see the situation only too clearly. It was obvious that his companions could not keep up their offensive forever - sooner or later, they would tire and leave themselves at the mercy of their enemy. It dawned on him that he was the one they needed to tip the balance firmly in their favour. It was time for him to make his mark.
‘Stand clear!’ he shouted as he stepped from behind the tree. The others flung themselves out of the way and waited in the undergrowth for Andrew to make his presence felt.
The creature itself turned to see who had interrupted his fight. His massive head swivelled and his beady eyes settled on the small creature standing but a short distance away. He flapped his vast wings a couple of times, squared himself up and settled into a curious, almost impatient posture. Sepwise was sure he had his arms crossed.
Andrew responded with an equal display of petulance, putting his hands on his hips and shaking his head a couple of times. The creature snorted and scraped its hoof along the ground. Andrew sneezed, suffering from his hayfever in the heavily pollinated forest air. He pulled himself together. The moment had come. He shifted his weight slightly and pulled the stone out of his pocket. He felt its smoothness in his hand. He juggled it a couple of times to get a feel for its weight, then slowly pulled his arm back. He stared the creature in the eyes for a moment, then launched the stone with all his might.
Everyone watched the stone as it flew through the air. Its flight may have lasted only a couple of seconds, but it seemed like minutes to Andrew and his companions.
They watched it spin and tumble its way towards the beast.
They watched it follow an almost perfect parabolic flight path.
They watched it power through the air on its way to a collision and a thunk.
They watched as it finally completed its appallingly aimed flight.
They watched as it walloped Sepwise right on the head.
‘Owwwww OW!’ he yelled, rubbing his temple.
Sepwise checked he wasn’t bleeding, then turned and gaped at Armoro, who was lying beside him in the undergrowth with his own mouth hanging wide open in sheer astonishment. The scientist couldn’t see the other two, but he figured they were equally dumbfounded. Even the creature itself seemed taken aback by Andrew’s pathetic long-range combat technique and it just stood there in the middle of the forest looking thoroughly bewildered.
Andrew, having just entirely humiliated himself in front of both friends and enemy, whistled a little tune and casually sauntered behind a nearby tree. He slumped against it and started to cry.
‘ATTACK!’ screamed Sepwise suddenly, jumping to his feet and hurling a flaming vial at the creature. His trusty comrades snapped out of their confusion and leapt straight back into the fray. They continued hacking and slashing and chopping as before, but try as they might they just could not inflict any serious damage.
‘This is no good,’ said Sepwise to Armoro, dodging a vicious swipe from the creature. ‘If we don’t kill it soon, we’ll start to tire.’
Armoro nodded his response to the alchemist, too busy dodging the creature’s hacking claws to answer verbally. He pulled the hood of his cloak up, rendering himself invisible, and ran through the creature’s legs, annoying it enough for Trussuk to embed his axe firmly into its thigh again. The creature let out another deafening roar and intensified its efforts, making the adventurers’ task even harder.
‘Where’s Armoro gone?’ Trussuk asked Jeudd.
‘Unknown at this time,’ responded Jeudd, slicing his sword neatly through one of the creature’s claws.
‘Well, he’d better come back soon,’ moaned the warrior. ‘I don’t think we can keep this up much longer.’ The creature bent its vast head towards Trussuk and spat forth a fiery wall of flame, singeing his hair and setting fire to the undergrowth just behind him. Now they faced danger from both sides. He could feel the heat from behind licking at his heels. The dry, leafy litter had well and truly caught fire. It was only a matter of time before they were either roasted or butchered. Or maybe both.
‘TRUSSUK!’ came a shout to his right from seemingly nowhere.
‘Armoro? That you?’
A vast fist narrowly missed his ear and slammed seismically into the ground.
‘Yes! I have a plan!’
Trussuk swiped back and severed a claw. The beast reared back in pain. Armoro grabbed Trussuk, explained his plan, then threw his magic cloak over the warrior, who obligingly vanished.
Armoro, now defenceless, retired from the battle and waited.
Sepwise continued to throw potions at the creature, each hit leaving small scorch marks on the deep magenta hide. He looked anxiously round trying to work out where half his army had gone. They wouldn’t last five minutes like this.
In the middle distance a metronomic thumping sound emerged abruptly.
Thump.
The beast kicked Jeudd violently against a tree.
Thump thump.
Sepwise threw a vial at the beast but narrowly missed, the liquid inside slowly burning a hole through a nearby branch.
Thump thump thump.
The beast glared at Sepwise, growled defiantly and raised a foot the size of a wheelbarrow directly over the alchemist’s head. There was nothing Sepwise could do. Nowhere he could run. All he could do was meet his end like a true adventurer, a real hero; meet death full in the face with pride and with honour. Unfortunately he found he couldn’t even do that, and instead he cringed in abject terror as the beast’s foot began its downward thrust.
Thud.
A tree crashed down through the thick foliage, crushing the creature’s head and killing it instantly.
Sepwise unwrapped his arms from his head and peered cautiously around. ‘What?’ he said.
Somebody came trampling noisily through the forest, although Sepwise couldn’t see who it was.
‘Armoro?’ he hazarded.
‘Nope,’ said Trussuk, throwing off the cloak. ‘It’s me.’
‘Trussuk? What happened?’
‘We stand victorious! The great beast has been vanquished! The plan was of Armoro’s devising. He presented to me his cloak of the Gods and set me the task of cutting down a mighty tree such that it would crush the beast into oblivion. And with the assistance of my rather handsome axe, in this task I succeeded. The beast is no more.’
Sepwise looked at the mangled remains of the beast and fainted dead away.
Armoro arrived at the scene and saw Sepwise immobile on the floor.
‘Oh no,’ he said. ‘Is he...?’
‘He’s fine,’ said Trussuk. ‘The excitement just got to him, that’s all.’
‘Right. So can I go back to bed now?’