Trussuk, Armoro and Jeudd lay on the ground behind a slight grassy rise.
‘Well, what do you think?’ asked Trussuk.
Over the rise rose the peaks and spires of a large, imposing castle. They knew they were in the region of the SSAI that had been the subject of so much speculation, and given that this building was the only structure for many miles, there was little doubt over its identity.
‘We promised we wouldn’t go there,’ Armoro reminded the experienced adventurer.
‘We don’t know for certain that this is the SSAI,’ Trussuk pointed out.
‘It’s odds-on that it is,’ said Armoro. ‘It’s in precisely the right location, and it’s the only building we’ve come across since we arrived on the island.’
‘But we can’t be sure. I recommend further investigation. What say you, Jeudd?’
‘Most impressive, certainly,’ the poet intoned. ‘Fine architecture, high artistic merit. I would very much like to explore it further.’
‘Well, OK, then,’ said Armoro, having all the excuses he needed to break their bargain with Sepwise. ‘But if it does turn out to be the, er, it, then let’s agree not to mention it to Sepwise when we meet back up with him.’
‘Fine by me,’ said Trussuk.
‘Agreed,’ said Jeudd.
The three explorers lay on the grass a little while longer.
‘How do you suppose we approach it?’ said Armoro eventually.
‘I was contemplating the same,’ said Trussuk. ‘It does have a high probability of being a trap. If we just stroll brazenly up to the front door, we might find ourselves at the mercy of a spoon-wielding, eyeball-extracting devil woman.’
‘And there’s no cover between here and there,’ Armoro indicated. ‘Perhaps we can somehow make our way over unseen?’
Trussuk looked about him. The thick bushes behind him caught his attention. An idea began to form in his mind.
‘I believe I have a plan...’
<=> <=> <=>
Four hours later, a group of three market researchers made their way through the forest on the northern part of the island. They chatted aimlessly to each other about how they often filled in their forms themselves, how some people were really gullible and could be duped into filling out questionnaires so lengthy they made The Fifteen Books of Safariz look like a mere pamphlet, and how the answers that some of them gave were so obviously made up that they wondered whether this lark was worth all the hanging about in the woods for anyway. They then discussed the reasons for the slight downturn in gross national product of the island over the past few years, and wondered whether it was because they had scared all the tourists away. After this, they pointed out to each other that they were never, ever robbed, assaulted or abused by anybody because everyone went to such great lengths to avoid them, and they had a good old laugh about it.
They were more than a touch startled, then, when, having just left the edge of the forest, three men mugged them and stole their smart ties and their expensive jackets and their clipboards.
<=> <=> <=>
‘That was a remarkable idea, Trussuk,’ said Armoro as they made their way towards the SSAI.
‘Yes, it was, wasn’t it?’ said the newly be-suited Trussuk.
‘I thought at first you were going to suggest we disguised ourselves as bushes and slowly edged our way across the open space, hoping that any lookouts would mistake us for natural vegetation.’
‘No,’ said Trussuk. ‘That didn’t occur to me at all. Probably would have worked, though.’
‘Possibly, possibly. And of course we could potentially have devised a way of employing my cloak of invisibility to the same effect. But your idea of waiting for some market researchers to come along and then mug them for their outfits in order to provide a cunning disguise was, quite simply, genius,’ said the psychoanalyst.
‘I do not deserve such praise.’ said Trussuk with barely concealed delight. ‘The most complex solution is the best, that’s one of my philosophies.’
‘Oh, I agree, I agree,’ said Armoro. ‘Complexity is the master of calamity.’
A man ran up to them, in a state of some panic, and breathlessly panted, ‘The Castle. The Castle. I must get inside. But they are all against me! Everyone! Why won’t they let me into the Castle? It’s a nightmare, all a nightmare!!!!’ And he ran off.
‘Well,’ said Armoro. ‘That was odd.’
<=> <=> <=>
Reeves heard the loud knocking at the door from his private room at the front of the castle. He had suggested to Liandra on several occasions that the installation of a moat, a bridge, a portcullis and a hefty gate would be a wise move, but she disagreed. Apparently, the person-sized, utterly average front door provided everything she wanted from an entrance.
He swung his legs off the table, stood up and made his way out of the room, turned down the long, dingy corridor and followed it until he reached the torch-lit entrance hall. The butler turned to his right and peered through the spy-hole he had insisted upon installing. He could see three smartly dressed men on the doorstep.
They didn’t look like trouble, so he opened the door.
‘Can I help you?’ he droned, his voice as drab and dull as his looks. Immensely neat short black hair, immensely shiny sharp black shoes, immensely tailored night-black suit, immensely bright white shirt, immensely well-knotted black tie, immensely ironed pin-stripe waistcoat... you get the general idea.
‘Ah, yes,’ said Armoro. ‘Could we speak to the master of the house, please?’
‘I’m sorry, the mistress is busy,’ replied Reeves, stressing the word ‘mistress’ to make it perfectly clear that the owner of the castle was female.
‘Oh, I see,’ said Armoro, debating internally whether this was welcome news. ‘Well, could we perhaps grab a moment of her time? We’d just like to ask her a few simple questions.’ He held his clipboard aloft and indicated it with a quill.
Reeves looked at them in sheer horror. ‘Er, no, no,’ he stuttered. ‘No, I don’t think Miss Liandra will, er really, I don’t think this is...’
‘No need to be shy,’ said Armoro, brushing his way past the butler and into the red-hued entrance hall. ‘It won’t take long, I promise.’ He quickly took in his surroundings and, judging by the amount of mahogany and glass on display, came to the conclusion that these people were rich. Very, very rich.
‘Oh, very well,’ Reeves found himself saying. ‘I shall go and ask her if she wouldn’t mind.’ He let the other two in and showed them to a lavishly furnished waiting room. He left to go and speak to Liandra.
The adventurers looked around the room. To say it was elegant would be to say nuclear explosions are a ‘bit loud’. Pointing out that its furnishings were expensive would be like pointing out that Wales has one or two sheep. Drawing attention to its tastefulness would be like drawing attention to the slightly chilly weather you get in the Arctic. It was a room that could have been designed for understatement. There was not an inch of it that wasn’t crammed with precious, exquisite or just plain beautiful things.
Of course, Trussuk and Armoro couldn’t care less about any of this.
‘So how did you manage that then?’ asked Trussuk, crashing down heavily on an extremely valuable mahogany armchair.
‘Simple,’ said Armoro, fingering a curious array of semi-precious gemstone ornaments on the mantelpiece. He picked up three egg-like marble ornaments and started to juggle with them. ‘I acted as would a real researcher,’ he continued. ‘They’re trained in a specialised form of hypnosis that allows them to ensnare their victims and then force them to do things that they would otherwise go to great lengths to avoid. A cynical ploy, but one that seems to work.’
Trussuk was impressed, and nodded his head accordingly. Armoro really knew his stuff.
Over the other side of the room, by the side of the heavily leaded bay window, Jeudd suddenly noticed a large open-fronted bookcase. He briskly walked over to it and examined its contents. ‘Extraordinary,’ he gasped, running his hands lovingly over the titles on the spines. ‘What an exquisite collection of works.’
‘What have you found there?’ asked Armoro, tossing the eggs back onto the mantelpiece.
‘An entire library of ancient and contemporary literature from some of the finest poets of all time,’ said the wordsmith, continuing to run his fingers along dozens of dusty, plain-looking volumes. ‘I’ve never seen anything quite like it.’
‘That’s because there is nothing else like it in existence,’ said a distinctly feminine voice from behind him.
‘Yes, I imagine that might well be the case,’ replied the poet obliviously.
Armoro wasn’t so oblivious however, and wheeled around speedily, clipboard at the ready.
‘I am Liandra,’ said the tall lady that now adorned the doorway. ‘And this is my castle.’
‘Nice pad,’ said Trussuk, still lounging in the chair.
‘I’m so glad you like it,’ she said charmingly. ‘Now, what can I do for you gentlemen?’
Armoro stepped forward confidently, for all the world looking like a real researcher. ‘Good evening, Ma’am,’ he said in a highly patronising tone that did his prospects no good at all. ‘I hope we find you well? Good. Excellent. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is... James, and these are my assistants Leonard and... Montgomery. You see, we represent a brand new organisation that is determined to rid the island of Gillmar of poor customer service, a major problem I’m sure you’ll agree, on the increase in this area particularly, and one that demands of us urgent attention. So, in the interest of the economic stability of the outlying regions, we ask if perhaps you could spare a short while to answer a few simple questions?’
‘That sounds like an excellent idea,’ said Liandra lightly. ‘You will accompany me to my throne room.’
‘Th...throne room?’ stuttered Trussuk awkwardly. He was slumped untidily in the antique chair with his legs draped over the arm. Suddenly realising he was in the presence of royalty, he jumped up abruptly and made a poor show of trying to plump up the cushions a bit, succeeding only in sending great clouds of dust everywhere.
‘Yes, that is correct,’ replied Liandra gently, coughing a bit under her breath. ‘I am the Queen of Gillmar.’
There was a moment’s stunned silence.
It was followed by a moment of silent consideration.
That was, in turn, followed by a silent moment of severe anxiety.
The silence was broken by Liandra herself. ‘If you’d like to follow me, then,’ she smiled. Without waiting for an answer she turned gracefully and swept up the corridor with an almost liquid fluidity about her.
Before following, the three adventurers independently weighed up the alternatives, taking into account several weighting factors such as the fact that Liandra was very attractive, that she was a Queen and probably had plenty of guards, and that they couldn’t actually think of anything else to do anyway, then hurried out of the room after her.
Corridor-wise, the castle could have done a lot better for itself. From the outside it had shown a lot of promise, and the reception hall was glorious, but the route they took now looked much like a dilapidated inner-city underpass. The whole labyrinthine system of passageways (if you could call them that - they were more like gaps between rooms where the architects had misjudged their dimensions) was stupendously, mind-bogglingly, terrorisingly dull. Even Jeudd, who could normally see the merit in anything, no matter how hideous, was forced to admit that it was a dingy hole - all blackened, moss-covered, misshapen brickwork.
Trussuk quite liked it though.
<=> <=> <=>
‘Welcome to my seat of power,’ declared Liandra ominously as she threw open the heavy wooden door of the throne room.
The three adventurers poked their heads round the doorframe after she had strutted in. It was very foreboding. Everything was candlelit, there were no real decorations, the dining table was worryingly sturdy and the throne was so heavily jewelled it could have been successfully quarried by any passing prospectors seeking their fortune.
‘Very nice,’ said Armoro.
‘I like it,’ said Liandra, relaxing into her throne. ‘Now, won’t you please come in? And shut the door behind you.’
The explorers nervously piled into the room. Trussuk held back to close the door, and found it extremely heavy, which embarrassed him somewhat because Liandra had opened it apparently without effort. Being proud, and determined to keep up his reputation as the mightiest of warriors, he desperately tried to look like he wasn’t pushing with all his strength.
With the door finally closed, Armoro approached Liandra gingerly. ‘There really are only a few questions,’ he said, looking down at the questionnaire. ‘It won’t take long at all.’
‘Oh, you can drop the act now,’ sighed Liandra. ‘You don’t need to keep all this pretence up.’
‘What pretence?’ asked Armoro, persevering with the charade just in case. ‘We’re merely lowly surveyors asking for nothing more than a few simple opinions.’
‘Ha,’ laughed Liandra. ‘Oh, dear. Dear, dear, dear. Such a performance. Why won’t you just cease this inane charade and tell me why you’re really here?’
‘To ask you some questions.’
‘No, I mean it,’ said Liandra sternly. ‘Stop fooling about. I know you’re here for a reason, and I want to know what it is and where your two companions are.’
Armoro’s stomach decided that now was the time for a gymnastics practice. ‘What companions?’ he said feebly, instantly wishing he hadn’t.
‘Right, if you won’t co-operate, I’ll have to force it out of you.’ The Queen opened a small box located on a little side table and removed three small metallic marbles. She threw them individually at each of the explorers, who were amazed to find the spheres adhere to their torsos seemingly for no reason. Liandra flicked a switch on the arm of her chair and suddenly the three adventurers were sucked backwards and off the floor. Their breath was knocked out of them as they collided heavily with the brickwork.
‘I hope now you will assist me,’ lectured Liandra. ‘I am not a cruel woman...’
Armoro silently chose to dispute this as he wriggled about helplessly four feet from the ground.
‘...but I’m not afraid to dispose of those whom I suspect may be a threat.’
‘A threat?’ asked Trussuk. ‘A threat to what?’
‘To me and this island,’ said Liandra. She stood up and started pacing about underneath her new wall decorations. ‘I have worked very hard to keep this island free from evil, and I am not about to let that change. All strangers must be interrogated fully. If you refuse to comply, you will be killed.’
She needn’t have worried. Compliance was the least furthest thing away from their minds right now, and for the conceivable future as well.
‘Where are your two companions?’ she asked suddenly. ‘I must have them here as well.’
‘Er, we split up,’ said Armoro, deciding that the truth was probably the best thing to tell, given the circumstances. ‘We had a bit of an argument.’
‘An argument?’ said Liandra, stopping her pacing and looking at the psychoanalyst with interest. ‘You’re telling me you split up over a disagreement?’ Her eyes burned with distrust.
‘That’s right,’ he said. ‘Sad, really, isn’t it.’
‘Somewhat convenient, if you ask me,’ she said. ‘How do I know they aren’t out there planning a surprise attack whilst I’m in here babysitting you three?’
This caused a bit of a stir amongst her prisoners. They looked at one another as if to say that would have been a bloody good idea, wouldn’t it? Trussuk smiled at her and said, ‘That would have been a bloody good idea, wouldn’t it?’
‘Right,’ said the Queen, ‘that’s the way you’re playing it, is it? Well, let me tell you, if I find out you’re not absolutely on the level with me you’ll wish your grandparents had never been born.’ She started her pacing again, which was very infuriating for her prisoners because trying to follow her gave them neck ache. She started to bite her nails. ‘Nevertheless,’ she said, ‘your colleagues must be captured. You will remain here.’ She moved to leave the room.
‘Erm,’ ventured Trussuk. ‘Er, excuse me, your majesty.’
‘Yes?’ she asked, pausing as she reached the door.
‘Do you happen to know if there’s such a thing as an SSAI around here anyplace?’
‘SSAI?’ she laughed. ‘Yes, this is it. A fiction. A trap, I suppose you could call it. Designed to lure you all here.’
‘Oh, I see,’ said the warrior, disappointed. ‘Well, it would appear to have worked.’
‘No, not entirely,’ said Liandra. ‘I only have three of you.’ With that, she span round and whirled out of the room amidst a flurry of cloak flapping.
‘Well, she seems very pleasant,’ said Armoro. He wriggled on the wall, but couldn’t move. The small metallic marble stuck to the front of his toga seemed to be pressing him to the wall. He could lift his arms and legs out in front of him without any trouble, but he just couldn’t move the marble.
It was very frustrating.