Skipping a rather dull and lengthy interplanetary space flight that lasted a huge amount of time and meant doubling and even tripling up on the sleeping capsules, which was not a popular move, except with Dr. Richter who had engineered a situation where he was sharing with Denise, the Garden Wall set down on a different alien planet.
This one orbited a large, hot star (actually a binary, but the companion was small and feeble) that shone with a vivid white incandescence that bathed everything in a disconcertingly stark light. Stepping out of the Garden Wall was like walking into an over-exposed photograph. Ordinary, mundane objects took on a sinister and severe appearance - all bold lines and high contrast.
‘The colours may seem strange to you,’ said Liandra. ‘You’ll soon get used to it. Remember, to natives of a white-star system, your two planets would look strangely yellow. In fact, Barnard’s Star is substantially redder than Sol, although I doubt you noticed that.’
‘No,’ said Eradani. ‘We didn’t really spend a lot of time outdoors.’
Liandra led her team down a winding path. It was constructed from a brilliant white material and had a surface sheen so specular that they could almost see their own reflections. The path meandered lazily past a deathly calm lake and through a stunningly beautiful coppice of tall, slender trees with pearlescent black leaves.
‘Which planet is this?’ asked Eradani as they made their way through the elegant grounds.
‘It’s called Provenance,’ said Liandra. ‘My husband and I lived here for many millions of years.’ She sighed deeply, lost in nostalgia. ‘From here... we ruled the Galaxy. You stand at the epicentre of everything that ever was, everything that shall ever be. This is the real seat of power. The Assigners assumed ownership after we were deposed.’
‘Which star are we orbiting?’ asked Dr. Richter.
‘Sirius,’ replied Liandra.
‘Sirius? That’s 9 light years away from Earth! Probably even further from Barnard’s Star!’ exclaimed Dr. Richter.
Liandra waved her arms figuratively. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘it did take us quite a while to get here, I admit.’
‘I’ll say,’ said Dr. Richter. ‘What, maybe another dozen years or so?’
Liandra stopped abruptly in front of him. She turned and looked him piercingly in the eyes. ‘I thought you were a physicist,’ she said.
‘I am,’ said Dr. Richter, his pride surging to the fore. ‘I have a doctorate in space research and have appeared on Horizon on no less than three separate occasions.’
‘Then you should be well aware how long it takes your ship to travel between stars,’ she said. ‘It’s taken us a lot longer than 12 years.’
‘Longer?’ said Eradani. ‘But why?’
‘Because this ship is not some marvel of technology that defies all known laws of physics. This Garden Wall was built on your planet, with your technology, and therefore cannot exceed the speed of light.’
‘Actually, it can,’ Denise pointed out. ‘Can’t it, Dr. Richter?’
‘Um, well,’ he admitted, ‘that’s what we were led to believe, yes. The ship is theoretically capable of light speed. As far as I’m aware.’
Liandra boggled at him in astonishment. ‘You think that archaic machine can travel at the speed of light?’ she said. ‘But why? You know nothing can travel that fast.’
Dr. Richter fidgeted slightly and waggled his eyebrows in consternation. He was evidently uncomfortable.
‘There was this, er, this, er, theory,’ he stammered. ‘A theory that revised the speed of light substantially downwards.’
‘By how much? Ten percent?’
‘A bit more than that.’
‘Twenty?’
‘Much more, then.’
‘Fifty?’
‘Still not there.’
‘Seventy percent?’
‘Almost.’
‘Seventy one?’
‘Well, alright, not quite that close yet,’ said Dr. Richter.
‘Eighty?’
‘Keep going.’
‘Ninety?’
‘Just a touch more.’
‘Ninety five?’
‘Getting close.’
‘Over ninety five percent less? What could have ever made you think such a thing?’
‘Erm, well, you see,’ said Dr. Richter, ‘that’s a very interesting question.’
‘It certainly is! Inexplicable I should say!’
‘Actually, it’s worse than you think,’ admitted Richter. ‘In all honesty, our revised figure was over one hundred percent less than the previous one.’
‘Over one hundred percent? But that would... that would be a negative value! That would be... backwards!’
Dr. Richter looked at the ground and squeaked his shoe across the glossy path. ‘I’m afraid so,’ he said. ‘Minus four and a half miles per hour.’
Liandra stared at him for a moment, then frowned slightly - a look of realisation crossed her face momentarily, but she was sharp enough to disguise it before anybody really noticed. ‘If that was the case,’ she said, ‘then light would be emitted from illuminated objects and would then slowly work its way back to the source, back to where it supposedly came from.’
‘Yes,’ said Dr. Richter. ‘Yes. I have been worrying about that for some time, but...’
‘And yet you chose to brush aside those worries. Interesting. Tell me everything.’
Eradani briefly explained the whole saga of Cofomaristics - the original theory, the experiment they performed, Mr. Tompkins, the Garden Wall project, all of it. She chose to leave out the bits where she kept eating all the biscuits though.
‘My poor dears,’ said Liandra softly when the tale was complete. She turned to face the opposite way. She let herself concentrate on the way that her trees had been arranged so carefully that it was almost impossible to see two of the same species within your field of vision; the way that when the breeze blew the leaves would whisper quietly, gently rippling in a sea of glinting blacks and greys; the sumptuous manner in which the glistening path meandered through the immaculate gardens; the strange blue object that she had never seen before. Only then, when she had completed her contemplation, did she turn back to her rescuers.
‘I’m afraid,’ she said, ‘that somebody you clearly trusted has been very, very dishonest. I can understand why this person did what they did, and I’m sure the last thing they wanted to do was hurt you, but obviously they felt they had little choice.’ She prepared to ask them the question that she knew they really didn’t want to hear. ‘Do you know how long you’ve been away from the Earth?’
Richter, Eradani and Denise looked at one another apprehensively. ‘We thought,’ said Dr. Richter, ‘about six years for the initial journey, and judging by that, perhaps twelve years for the trip here, so that’d be around about eighteen years in total.’ He was beginning to suspect, though, that they’d been travelling for quite a lot longer.
Liandra looked each of the Terrans carefully in the eye. It was going to be quite a shock when she told them the truth. ‘I’m sorry to have to tell you this,’ she said, ‘but that ship is fitted with a simple nuclear-powered rocket engine. It’s only capable of reaching ten percent of the speed of light, if that.’
‘What are you saying?’ said Denise. She was starting to worry. Richter and Eradani weren’t exactly taking the news calmly, either. The Captain didn’t seem too concerned, though.
‘I’m afraid that, by your calendar, we’re in the year... well, I’m not sure exactly, I don’t tend to keep track of the date very much, but it’s around about 2190, possibly even as late as the 23rd century.’
Three souls dramatically collapsed inwards as their respective worlds shattered around them. Twenty third century? That was... that was simply impossible to comprehend. It couldn’t be true...
‘Are you sure?’ checked Eradani. ‘We were told that...’
‘I am sure,’ said Liandra steadily. ‘You have been travelling through space for many, many decades. A good seventy years to Barnard’s Star and another hundred and thirty or so years to get here. Conventional space travel is rather slow.’
‘Quicker than getting a cab, though,’ joked the Captain. Nobody paid any attention.
The Pressians were starting to get bored with all this. None of them actually cared what the date was, they just wanted to get moving, and they certainly didn’t understand all this light speed business. As far as they were concerned, light was instantaneous and didn’t need to travel at all.
‘I hate to interrupt,’ Sepwise butted in, ‘but I’d like to remind you that we have a mission to complete. Somehow, I don’t think the father of humanity wants to hang around waiting while we stand here chit-chatting and chin-wagging.’
‘Sepwise,’ snapped Eradani, ‘you emotionless cretin. We’ve just learned that everything we ever knew, everything we looked forward to going back to has gone forever. Do you not understand how big a deal that is?’
‘Not really,’ said Sepwise without compassion. ‘I don’t consider it to be my problem. I’m on a mission of galactic importance. Your domestic problems don’t concern me.’
Eradani stared at him, open-mouthed. Very rarely was she at a loss for words, but this was definitely one of those times. Domestic problem? This wasn’t a domestic problem. Your washing machine breaking down, that was a domestic problem. Being sent travelling through deep space for two hundred years without your prior consent was, as far as she was concerned, criminal and abusive.
‘Sepwise is right,’ said Liandra with sudden urgency. ‘We must move now, before we are discovered. We will continue this discussion later. Come with me.’
She turned and continued marching towards whatever lay ahead. The men from Thercoup followed happily, as did the Captain. Dr. Richter and his chums hesitated briefly, then followed along on automatic pilot, still in a deep state of shock.
They were in no fit state to mount an all-out assault against the current rulers of the Galaxy.
<=> <=> <=>
The home of ultimate universal power turned out to be nothing more than a comfortable, but stylish, detached house of the sort you might find in a reasonably affluent suburb. It had two floors (three if you counted the loft conversion), double glazed windows, a gravelled drive and a garage with an up-and-over door. It was even pebble-dashed between the upper and lower bay windows.
In Earth terms, it was just a typical middle-class home.
‘Is that it?’ said Denise with disappointment as they crunched their way up the drive.
‘Yes,’ said Liandra. ‘I suppose you were expecting something a little more grand, but we wouldn’t have been comfortable living in a great palace. We just wanted a nice home with a little study, somewhere to sleep and a garden we could sunbathe in. We’re people of simple means, you could say.’
‘You have a perplexing attitude,’ said Sepwise. ‘If I were the most powerful person in the Universe, I’d build myself a vast castle of pomp and grandeur and have servants attending to my every need. I’d surround myself with luxury upon luxury upon luxury. Upon which I’d drizzle the finest Backarnale vintage. And liquid gold. And fragrances of an exotic nature. And I’d have cavorting nymphs fanning me with the blue leaves of the Kao tree. I would live as would a God.’
‘No you wouldn’t,’ said Liandra. ‘You’d live the same way you always have. People don’t change with money or with power. They like to think they do, which is why they live a life of excess for a brief while, but they soon burn themselves out and go back to their old ways.’
‘Not me,’ said Sepwise defiantly. ‘Not me.’
They continued their way towards Liandra’s old house.
‘Excuse me,’ said Andrew to the Queen.
‘Yes?’
‘I was just wondering, do you happen to know whether the predominant rock type around here is sedimentary? Or maybe it’s volcanic?’
‘No I don’t know that,’ said Liandra abruptly. She realised that her team wasn’t in the right frame of mind for the task at hand. She stopped and turned to them. ‘Look, everybody, stop. Let’s think about this before we burst in.’
Everybody ground to a halt on the gravel.
‘This is something we have to do right,’ she said, looking each of her colleagues in the eye. ‘If we get it wrong, then I’ll be exiled back to Pressian and you lot will be, well, dead. So we must focus. No wondering what type of weather systems we have here, or whether you’ll ever have a custard cream again, or whether my hair just naturally looks this good (which it does by the way). Is that understood?’
Her team agreed.
‘Good. So once we start to move towards that door,’ she pointed to the nicely varnished pine front door with the ornamental solid brass knocker, ‘we think of the job in hand and nothing else. I want complete commitment from you all, okay? Right. Everybody ready? Yes? Then let’s move.’
She led her now highly focused team to the front door. She held up her hand and they stopped accordingly. She fumbled about in her pocket, jangling some coins.
‘Wait,’ she said. ‘I know I’ve got them somewhere. I’m sure I put them in my pocket when we left.’
‘What?’ asked Andrew.
‘The keys, of course. Ah, yes, got them. Right, here we go.’ She slotted a silver key into the lock and turned it. The door opened before her.
‘Not quite how the SAS would do it,’ commented Denise.
With all the precision and cohesion of a highly trained team of blind geese, they pushed their way into the hallway. Liandra gently closed the front door and put her finger to her lips. She moved to the red-carpeted stairway and started to climb gently upwards. The adventurers followed behind her, creeping on tiptoes.
They reached the top and gathered on the landing. Liandra pointed silently to a door to the immediate left.
‘The bathroom,’ she whispered. ‘In case anyone asks.’ She moved off to the right, across the small, square landing. They stopped outside another door, directly opposite the bathroom.
‘The study,’ she announced in hushed tones. ‘They’ll be in here. Ready?’
The Queen of Gillmar gently twisted the doorknob and flung the door open.
She and her nine brave assistants piled determinedly into the room and demanded that the occupants relinquish their rights to the infinity of all the cosmos.
The rocking horse offered no reply.
‘So this is the seat of power, is it?’ said Eradani, scanning the contents of the room. Besides the sad-faced rocking horse in the middle of the floor, there was a large, semi-deflated beachball sitting on top of a big yellow toy dumper truck, an old, battered electronic keyboard, a pile of play bricks and a large assortment of odds and ends all kept in those horrible blue and yellow plastic containers that are designed to keep things neat and tidy but invariably lead to ugly spillages of bric-a-brac due to extreme overloading.
‘Wrong room,’ said Liandra observantly. ‘They must have done some reorganisation.’
Eradani tutted. ‘So what now?’ she said. ‘Do we search every room in the house until we find them?’
‘Looks like it,’ said Liandra. She whipped round and marched elegantly back out of the room.
<=> <=> <=>
‘Don’t make any sudden moves,’ admonished Liandra for the fifth time as she swept mightily into the room. ‘I’m here to regain my throne.’
Three faces looked up from behind a desk. They were considerably less surprised to see Liandra than she was to see them.
‘Oh, hello,’ said Ken, clicking his biro off and slipping it into his shirt pocket. ‘Bet you didn’t expect to find us in here, did you?’
‘No,’ said Liandra. ‘This used to be the kitchen.’
‘Well, you know us,’ said the red-headed woman on the left. ‘Always moving things about. Always re-arranging.’ She closed a folder that she’d been working on and crossed her arms. ‘It’s good to see you again, Liandra.’
‘Don’t give me that, Penelope,’ bristled Liandra. ‘You’re startled and surprised and about to be usurped.’
‘Oh, yes?’ said Penelope with an air of arrogance. ‘And what makes you think that is the case? Have you stopped taking your medication again?’
‘Eh?’ Liandra was momentarily flustered. ‘No, what medication?’ She pulled herself together and called in her team.
The Assigners (after a brief moment of unprofessionalism when Sepwise and Andrew tried to get through the door together) now found themselves faced with a ten-strong crowd of rebels, some of whom were armed.
The Assigners didn’t seem particularly bothered about this, although Stefan noticed Trussuk’s axe and almost raised an eyebrow.
‘Well, well, well,’ said Ken patronisingly, ‘welcome one and all. A most unexpected pleasure - although slightly embarrassing, I don’t believe we were expecting guests.’
‘Stop being pleasant,’ said Liandra. ‘This is not a social visit. This is my home, and I want it back. And I also demand the release of my husband.’
‘Ah, him,’ said the balding Assigner. ‘Yes, he’s been making a bit of a nuisance of himself recently.’
Liandra felt that she hadn’t quite gotten her point across yet. She walked over to their table and slammed her palms down on it.
‘Desist your fooling,’ she growled, glaring at Ken, ‘and surrender.’
‘Why should we want to do that?’ asked Penelope in all seriousness. Stefan shook his head - he could almost have laughed out loud.
‘Because you’re outnumbered and outgunned. You’re beaten. Finally, and for the first time in countless thousands of years, the Universe can rid itself of your tyrannical rule. The peace and prosperity of the Old Universe will return...’
‘Erm,’ interrupted Sepwise, ‘Liandra, there’s something you ought to know.’
‘Shut up, Sepwise,’ said Liandra without batting an eyelid. ‘I’m trying to make an eloquent and rousing speech.’
‘It’s just that...’
‘I said shut up. Now, where was I? Peace and prosperity of... of the Old Universe will return and the glorious days of the past...’
Sepwise felt that he really ought to get his point across. ‘I’m sorry to keep interrupting,’ he said, ‘it’s just that there’s a bit of a crisis happening.’
‘Oh, for our sake,’ sighed Liandra. She turned to face him. ‘What is it?’ she asked testily.
‘It’s this,’ the alchemist said. He indicated the rather large futuristic laser rifle that was pressed between his shoulder blades.
‘Oh, I see,’ said Liandra. ‘Yes, you were probably wise to point that out.’
‘Thank you,’ he said, rather pleased with himself.
Liandra surveyed the scene in front of her. Sepwise, Trussuk, Andrew, Denise, Dr. Richter and Eradani had been herded into a small circle in the middle of the study by Armoro, Jeudd and the Captain, who each held a very dangerous-looking laser rifle.
‘Well,’ smiled the Captain. ‘What can you say?’ He lodged the rifle under one arm, and with the other groped around his neck. He pulled a small gold tag out from his military issue shirt and swung it about pompously in front of him. Behind Liandra, the Assigners removed small laser pistols from their desk. They stood up and pushed her into the herd of captives.
‘What a disappointment,’ said Penelope gleefully. ‘We’d expected so much more from you. Still, you’ve lost, and quite spectacularly badly too, so at least it’s ended well for us. Goodbye.’
Her agents fired.